"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me."  -Jim Valvano

Our older son arrived home yesterday disappointed. You see, Leon and his older sister Rica qualified to participate in the school-wide science quiz contests after hurdling the elimination round in their respective classes. They made adequate preparations over a long weekend that was full of family activities, including an afternoon at the park, a night watching Narnia 3, and the usual outside frolics and longer computer time. The weekend was also extra special because of the bicycle gift Rica received for her birthday from her Titos (uncles) and everyone was just excited to try it out.

After getting my attention away from the laptop, Mama Sez steered me towards Leon who was in front of the shoe rack with tears in his eyes. I immediately picked him up and while leading him to the bedroom, asked him what’s the matter.

After a bit of coaxing, he eventually related that he was upset because a classmate got the gold, while he didn’t even reach the clincher round. He got the third place.

“I know more than he does, and at a higher level“, said he, unhappy about the less than expected results and trying to find an explanation for the discrepancy.

Realizing that he was making comparisons, we tried to deflect his focus to his confidence that he is on a different level as far as science is concern.

“It’s okay to be sad and to cry. Contests are like that, there are winners and losers. But what’s important is you know that you are good at science and you can be the best at it. Quiz contests are not the only measure of one’s proficiency.”

“Moreover, Mama and I believe that you, indeed, have a different level of interest, knowledge and understanding of science. That’s why you can be the inventor or anything that you (eventually) want to be.”

We reminded him about their training in Abba’s Orchard Montessori School- that is, more of cooperating than competing with classmates.

“You compete with yourself, so that you get better at want you are good at and at what you wannabe.”

“Comparing yourself to someone else is not going to be healthy if that’s all you’re focusing on because you’ll always find some who are better than you, so you’ll get frustrated, and others who are worse, then you’ll get conceited.”

Leon’s paradigm has shifted to the merit system of exams, grades and contests in his new school, which is more representative of the traditional school system in the country. And he’s actually really good at it, having aced exams, getting high grades and winning contests. But somehow, he has to balance this with the better paradigm of cooperation and interdependence that he was taught at home and in Abba’s Orchard for four years.

While declaring that he’s okay now, we reemphasized that we believe in him and we know that he is talented, and that we love him no matter what.

“Mama, isn’t it that when you capture hot air, like in a balloon, it will go up?” That was when we were assured that he’s really over it.

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Our 10-year old daughter came home upset late Thursday afternoon. She found out that day that the auditions for the school’s Dance Club was scheduled on the next day and she hasn’t made any preparations for it. Moreover, she also has homework – more than the usual, she claimed. The breaking point perhaps is that her uniform was sprinkled with ink from a ball pen of someone who was messing around in the school service on the way home.

Noticing her troubled face, I inquired when she got to the door, “Hi Rica, is there anything wrong?” With tears coming down her cheeks, she pointed to the black ink peppered on the back of her white blouse and explained that it’s not her fault. “Ok, we’ll ask Mama to fix this for you.”

Then, she went on about the audition and the enormous amount of homework for that night. Obviously overwhelmed, I told her to calm down and to tell me what it was that she needs to do.

It turned out that the biggest concern was the audition. I assured her that her Tita Tin already knows that she was going over after school for an emergency dance coaching session. Then, we agreed that after about an hour of dance practice, we’ll have a nice dinner and then deal with her homework.

So she stopped crying and fixed herself up to go to her Tita’s house.

A week ago, she happily declared that she’s going to join the school’s Art Club. She told us that there’s a maximum membership of 30 for each club. We immediately inquired about the Dance Club and the Glee Club, those directly related to her main interests: dancing and singing. “There’s an audition for the Dance Club!” she exclaimed, “and that would be difficult,” she continued. She claimed to not notice any club related to singing or music.

We already knew that that she didn’t want to audition for fear of not getting in. Being new to the school, she didn’t know what to expect and hesitated to ask anybody in school about it. She felt that getting in to the Art Club is the simplest thing to do as she only needs to sign up and be one of the 30. Besides, her new friends (and it actually turned out that all of the girls except for two) were planning to sign up for the Cooking Club.

She joined the Theatre Club last year in her old school and enjoyed it very much - having all the opportunity to act, dance and sing together with her friends and schoolmates. She said that she has tried cooking and theatre, and now it’s time to try art (probably also inspired by her summer Manga drawing and scrap booking with her Tito Jay and Tita Tin, respectively). She actually got quite good with her Manga sketching and we’ll feature some of her works next time.

We had to give her a nudge to the direction of dancing as we’ve already learned about she being happiest when she dances. This is easily understood as Tita Tin and Mama Sez, on separate instances, have also confessed their love to dance and being happiest when doing it. Fortunately, their love coincides with their talent. Mama Sez blogged about a dance performance and posted a video here.

Of course, she cannot deny what we already knew but had to make up excuses or reasons not to audition. This went on and off in the next days until that Thursday. Tita Tin, Mama Sez and I already discussed it prior to Rica’s realization and we expected her to eventually need to prepare a number for the audition.

It only took her and Tita Tin (and Tito Jay) an hour to come up with a new near perfect dance number to the tune of Kat DeLuna’s “Push Push”. After that, with a smile from ear to ear, Rica’s night was a breeze. Her homework was really just the usual stuff and one can even be postponed as it was for a long-term group project. So with the “it’s in the bag” seal of approval from Mama Sez, Rica confidently looked forward to next day’s auditions.



This time with a wonderful grin, Rica reported the next afternoon that she’s the only fifth grader who auditioned (mostly were sixth and fourth graders), the only one to dance solo (every one else went as a group) and the only one who came prepared with a choreographed number and costume. Of the 32 who went, four backed out when they were asked to perform again by the teacher. Although there was no formal declaration that the 28 remaining students already made it as Dance Club members, the teacher’s instruction that they’ll be meeting next week in the playroom (where there’s more space) and the “very good” she got from the teacher as well as the cheers and applause of approval from the other students, Rica confidently declared that she made it.

So much apprehension for nothing it seemed. I took her aside to congratulate her and to let her know that it’s also okay to not get what we aim for as long as we did our best. This is by knowing that battles may already be lost by not trying, or it could already be won by just showing up. The fear of failure is paralyzing and may lead to nothing but “could have beens”. Indeed, it takes one to know one.



Original photo by aussiegall

We planned yesterday's trip to the mall as an alternative to staying inside the house with no electricity for four hours (there was a notice of repair in our village from the local electric provider). The baby needs her baptismal dress, a new pair of shoes and a new pair of socks to go with them, so it was as good a chance as it can get. Of course, our toddler went with us.

What was supposed to be a lovely afternoon focused on our youngest kids turned sour as I carelessly dipped into Mama Sez bucket. I didn't realize how bad it was until I read her message this morning. The negative effect of that bucket dipping has drained her energy and left her unfocused for most of the day today.

I am thankful that she showed signs of recovery this evening and was cheerful during our nightly gratitude ritual.

If you are not familiar with bucket filling and bucket dipping, this book by Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton, Ph.D.--the grandfather of positive psychology, was the source of these terms.

It's interesting that I was the one who made extra efforts to read the book with Mama Sez and then with our eldest daughter, but still violates its teachings...well, not as often as before, I hope.

I recommend this book for better relationships within the family, workplace, organizations and life in general. It has opened my eyes to the folly of pessimism and negativity. Moreover, there is a huge negative impact of bucket dipping in organizations, from families to companies and communities. They have data to back this conclusion.

Here's what I wrote to our eldest daughter when I gave it as a gift that I didn't have to buy last Christmas. It helps explain why it's important for me to have been introduced to this concept of positive psychology.

"24 Dec 2009

Dearest Ycai, 

I thought of giving you this book that your Mama and I eagerly bought to learn more about "bucket filling."

I was a little apprehensive at first that the topic might be too early for you.  But then I decided that it would be good to start you off as early as possible and open your eyes to the power of positivity.

You inherited traits that tend to make you quite cautious and pessimistic in disposition as well as make you focus on the negatives of others and yourself. There are certain good outcomes in such tendencies, but then anything in extreme is undesirable.  That's why it's important for you to learn and train yourself to balance your natural tendencies with positive psychology.

Let's read this book together, so I'll be reminded (as I tend to do bucket dipping mostly instead of filling) and we can learn together.

Merry Christmas my manita.

Exchanging gifts that we do not buy was a great idea.

Love, Papa"

Mama Sez, I am sorry for dipping in your bucket yesterday. I'll be better next time.


How Full is Your Bucket is available at Amazon and you can buy online through the buttons below.