Note: This is the third in a series of articles on Discipline Methods introduced in Discipline and Parenting Style.  If you missed the first two, I recommend that you read them first- Discipline Methods: Communication and Role Modeling and Discipline Methods: Merits and Demerits. This series on discipline is published every Friday so please check back regularly or subscribe via email or follow us at Twitter or Facebook (buttons are at the bottom right corner as well).
 
This segment of the Discipline Method series is beneficial to both parent and child. Time-out is for a child who is having a difficult time controlling his emotions and behaviors. It is not a punishment but a special time and opportunity to calm oneself, think and regain self control. There are many ways to effectively implement time-outs:

Time-Out or Think-About-It Chair: For toddlers and preschoolers, requiring them to sit in a time-out chair when they disobey instruction, hurt someone, too loud and argumentative, annoy a visitor or for any misbehavior, effectively calms them down and makes them realize that the behavior is unpleasant. If you don’t want to use the term time-out, you can just ask the child to think about what happened and give him time to be alone and reflect. Be sure to discuss the issue with your child when the time is up. You can start implementing time-out time at 1 minute per age. Other children would require longer than this so make the necessary adjustment.

Room Time-Out: The principle is the same as above but this time, the child is required to stay in his or her room. Giving a person time to be alone and chance to reflect in the privacy of his room, calms the emotions down. This is then the time he can come out of the room. The required isolation will also make him realize that the behavior was undesirable and something should be done to correct it. Again, discuss the issue after the time-out. This is applicable to all ages if the child is not violent enough to hurt himself when left alone.

Situation Time-Out: Taking time away from a bad situation calms the child and prevents worse misbehavior. When a child gets mad because a sibling or a playmate broke his toy or crumpled his artwork and would not listen to words, then it is better to pull him out of the situation to prevent him from getting back at and hurting the offender. You can take him for a walk or make him listen to good music to bring his composure back. Give him another activity to work on or read a book with him. Explain the importance of emotion control despite being offended when he is ready to listen.

Peace Corner: Designate a corner in your house where the child can associate peace and tranquility. Peace corners are preferably decorated with plants and flowing water. Put the child in that corner when he is angry to help him re-center himself. Fighting siblings can also reconcile in this corner. Be sure to discuss the issues when emotions are relaxed. Having a peace corner is also beneficial to adults.

Reverse time-out is for parents who feel their emotions are getting out of control. If you are too angry, it is better to ask for a few minutes alone to calm yourself down. Hide in your bedroom or bathroom, freshen up and take a few breathing exercises. Come out when you have a better mood to engage in conversations and ready to deal with your child’s misbehavior rationally. Never deal with a child’s misbehavior when you are in a fighting mode. You might inflict unnecessary pain, physical or emotional, to your child that you will regret later. Reverse time-out is also effective in ignoring attention-seeking behaviors of your child. When the child notices that he is not getting any attention because his mother is currently indisposed, he’ll eventually calm down.

NEXT: Discipline Methods: Prevention and Tolerance

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http://www.flickr.com/photos/rashidasimmons/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

Note: This is the second in a series of articles on Discipline Methods introduced in Discipline and Parenting Style.  If you missed the first one, I recommend that you read it first- Discipline Methods: Communication and Role Modeling. This series on discipline will be published every Friday so please check back regularly or subscribe via email or follow us at Twitter or Facebook (buttons are at the bottom right corner as well).

Merit system focuses on positive behavior and preventive measures rather than punitive actions to improve discipline, while demerit system emphasizes consequences and accountability. Merit and demerit system is commonly applied in schools but can also be implemented at home. This article simply sums up discipline methods that provide acknowledgment and reward for good behavior and effective consequences for misbehavior. These are in agreement with the four principles of how behavior develops. It is said that behavior is strengthened or weakened by its consequences. For sure, you would want to strengthen a good behavior and the best way to achieve it is by rendering positive consequences such as the following:

• a hug 
• a kiss 
• a pat on the back 
• a word of encouragement and praise 
• a smile 
• a wink 
• a thumbs up sign 
• a token in a jar 
• a plus point on a merit/demerit chart 
• other small tokens of appreciation related to the good behavior exhibited.

Better catch them being good and never miss a chance to recognize the said behavior. Just make sure to give genuine and age appropriate positive consequences. This is also referred to as positive reinforcement. When the doer receives the positive consequences of his/her good behavior then the behavior is reinforced. The tendency is for the child to consistently do it to take advantage of the benefits.

Creating a positive home wherein parents consistently laugh with their children, share lots of positive and appropriate physical interactions and talk to them in pleasant, supportive and nonjudgmental ways, not just promote positive behavior in children but lessen the incidence of inappropriate behavior as well.

To weaken bad or inappropriate behavior and eventually prevent it from occurring again, the doer should face the negative consequence. It is like letting experience be the best teacher. Giving effective consequence to misbehavior is where more parents fail. A negative consequence will only be effective if it prevents the bad behavior from getting repeated over and over. When the behavior gets weaker or stops from reoccurring it is only then that the behavior is punished. It should be clear that the intention is for the child to face the negative consequence of misbehavior and in the process punish the misbehavior (not the child) by weakening it or stopping it from happening again.

There are three kinds of negative consequences for misbehavior:

1. Natural- as the name implies occur naturally. If a child doesn’t like to eat during regular mealtimes, don’t force feed; let nature run its course. The child will get hungry eventually. Make the hunger be felt for a little while as you explain the natural consequence of bad eating habits before you offer him food, to make room for learning.
2. Logical- rules or amends that you agreed with your child. If a child cannot control himself in the grocery store and behaves inappropriately, keeps on disarranging displays and/or putting stuff in the cart without your permission or keeps running around despite your several attempts to control his misbehavior then it is but logical not to allow the child to go to the grocery store anymore until both parties arrived at a new agreement.
3. Social- the ill feeling of tarnishing relationships teaches conflict management. If a child hurts a playmate or execute deliberate annoyance like knocking over others’ block tower or throwing away puzzle pieces, then that child should know that nobody else would play with a person that behaves that way and no parent would allow his/her child to get close to a misbehaving fellow.

An important point worth noting is about the child’s desire for parental attention. If a child misbehaves to get your attention then learn to ignore attention-getting behaviors and let the child face the negative consequence. Giving him the attention he wants when he misbehaves, rewards the misbehavior and reinforces it. More attention should be given when good behavior is done rather than waiting for misbehavior to happen before giving the attention that the child needs.

Parents should have realistic expectations on their children and should not allow fatal consequences to occur. Ensure a safe, engaging and positive learning environment for the children, take care of yourself and be an effective role model. Try to maintain the child’s respect and maintain the credibility of being the most reputable person to award the merits and demerits of their behavior.


NEXT: Discipline Methods: Time-Out and Reverse Time-Out
 
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photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/ajawin/ / CC BY 2.0

Note: This is the first in a series of articles on Discipline Methods introduced last Friday in Discipline and Parenting Style. This series on discipline will be published every Friday so please check back regularly or subscribe via email or follow us at Twitter or Facebook (buttons are at the bottom right corner as well).

Communication is a process of transferring information from one person to another. It is a way to impart or interchange thoughts, opinions or information by verbal/auditory and non-verbal means. Communication could be one-way (unidirectional) but in human relationships, including that of a parent and child, two-way communication has always been proven better.

In child discipline, communication is key to success. Regardless of the discipline method you are employing, the manner in which you communicate with your child will most likely determine your success. Here are some important points:

1. Child age appropriateness: The manner you communicate should be appropriate to the child’s age. When the reasoning skills of a child are not yet well developed, you cannot expect a child to always meet your expectations by giving direct instructions. In this case, positive reinforcement yields better results. Remember that at this stage of the child’s development, he is only taking cues on how you respond to his every behavior and not because you say so. Focus on what the child is doing right, offer more attention and encouragement whenever the child is doing something you want him to repeat over and over, and that is what you’ll get. Again, you do not communicate to your child at this stage by giving direct instructions; rather you reinforce good behavior by responding positively whenever he has done something right. An applause, a smile, kiss, hug or any expression of appreciation and love is a better way of communicating what you want him to do.
   
   When a child turns 18 months to 2 years until he reaches 6 years of age, verbal instructions with explanations may start to become effective because at this stage, he can now process more information. As the child’s verbal abilities improve, you can explain more things to him.
2. The two-way traffic: Whenever you give direct instructions, offer explanations, be clear, precise and firm but don’t forget to listen. Set the boundaries and limitations, and define your standards up front. Firmly state your reasonable expectations from him but explain why by stating the advantages of doing it and the consequences of not doing it. A child deserves explanation as much as parents do. Then practice good listening skills. Take time to listen what the child has to say and wait for his affirmation that he understands your point. Be amaze at how cooperative a child can be if he knows that his thoughts and opinion matter.
   
   A healthy two-way communication between a parent and a child preserves the respect in each other and lessens the likelihood of putting each other in a demeaning situation.
3. Being consistent: Teaching appropriate behavior would require several repetitions before it is learned. Being consistent with the behavioral standards and limitations you communicate to your child establishes your credibility that you know what you are talking about and that you are serious in imposing them. Being consistent would avoid confusion as well.
   
   Children without boundaries feel insecure and unsure where they stand, but when there are boundaries they tend to test the strength of those boundaries and the consequences of going beyond the limits. A constant reminder should be given to the child consistent with the set behavioral standards and limitations such that the same message is conveyed from the 1st to the nth time you say it, unless a revision in the standard is deemed necessary. If a child defiantly breaks the boundary in spite of your best effort to properly and consistently communicate behavioral standards and limitations, make sure you are ready to apply other appropriate discipline method to bring him back to where he should stand.
4. The truth and nothing but the truth: Whether you are dealing with a young child or an older kid, tell him straight facts. Do not try to invent stories or characters to make a child follow the rules. You will be risking the loss of child’s trust in you in the event that he discovers the truth. If the child is smart enough, he can immediately tell if you are just making it up and you will definitely appear silly. For instance, never tell a child “to sleep early so Dracula won’t get him”. Telling him directly the health benefits of good rest and sleep to a growing child will be better appreciated. Then help him by implementing ways of promoting good sleeping habits in children.
5. Say what you mean and mean what you say: When giving consequences to misbehavior, make sure these are doable and have it done if the situation calls for it. For example, you want your child to finish his homework before he can watch television. Fine, but what will happen if he doesn’t obey? You can come up with various consequences for misbehavior, like disobedience would result in him not allowed to watching television for one whole week. Tell this to him directly and make sure that the whole week NO TV punishment is implemented in case he disobeys. Never say “I’ll crush the TV on your head if I see you watching before the homework in done!” You can never do that to your child and your child knows that so the communication becomes ineffective if done in this manner.

Role modeling is a discipline method, but may also be regarded as a form of communication. You communicate to a child what he should do by setting yourself as an example. The child, especially in the formative years of his life mimics his parents or other older figures at home, in school and the community. This behavior should be capitalized most especially by parents and teachers by acting appropriately such that the child learns appropriate behavior.

Role modeling is an effective means of child discipline but requires a lot of discipline to the role model himself. Start by asking yourself this question, “Being a role model, am I self disciplined?” Dr. Robyn Silverman posed more questions to guide role models. Be a positive role model and follow the seven ways to make a positive impact on children enumerated by Dr. Robyn Silverman. Read them using this link and judge for yourself if it makes sense to you. Make yourself worthy of a child’s admiration…be his mentor…and start with yourself.

NEXT: Discipline Methods: Merits and Demerits
 
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UPDATE: The next discipline methods article is already posted-- Discipline Methods: Merits and Demerits

I was researching about discipline, positive parenting and corporal punishment, and was so engrossed with an article I was reading when I heard my 2 year-old son screaming this morning. Apparently, he got mad because the television was turned off after his morning dose of Dora the Explorer. He wanted to have the DVD played over and over, which is not allowed in our household (an hour in front of the television is the maximum in a day, usually just 30 minutes for him). For certain, another tantrum episode is to ensue because he got frustrated.

I see that his tantrums occur when he gets too frustrated not getting what he wants, when he is too sleepy or tired (and he doesn't want to sleep) and when he is sick…times when he needs more attention. I usually handle his tantrums by trying to keep cool for a moment (not to react), talk to him about the issue, find him something else to do, make him sleep or rest, or attend to his medical needs, but not to give in to what he wants. But it is not as simple as it may seem because I also feel frustrated if he doesn’t comply at once. Sometimes I feel my voice quivering as I talk to him because I’m on the verge of crying. His personality is overpowering that I get so scared at times, but I know I need to hide the fear. There were occasions when I spanked him on his butt with my bear hands to make him stop crying and screaming. The spanking brings the tantrum to a halt but I feel so regretful deep inside having hurt him, especially when he hugs me tight and say “Sorry, Mommy!”

This time, I stopped what I was doing, went downstairs to the living room, and carried him away from the TV with much resistance from him, of course. He continued screaming but I stayed calm. I asked him to just resume eating the banana he was holding and as expected the idea was rejected. Guessing that he wouldn’t insist on watching TV if I give him the attention he needs, I told him that I will make myself available for him if he will stop crying…that we can start by sharing a snack because I was hungry, then we will do what he wants except watch TV because he is done with it. He didn’t say yes but he immediately stopped crying, finished the banana he was holding and eagerly waited for me to finish preparing our sandwich. He even suggested that we take our snacks in the west patio of the house. However, it was drizzling so we opted to proceed to the bedroom.

After our snacks, we played "dropping dead", taking turns falling down on a pile of pillows on the bed, a game that he "invented". Then we lazily lied down and enjoyed the cool feel of the sheets on our skin while we sang “I Have Two Hands” around five times, I think. In such a short period he shifted his mood from grouchy to happy. He left me in the room with a smile (and without saying anything), went downstairs and played with his baby sister. What a relief and what a beautiful feeling to make a tantrum episode pass by without me having a tantrum myself. I was even cheerful throughout.

My research on discipline, corporal punishment and positive parenting had to wait as I responded to the upheaval made by my son. It was an opportunity to apply what was written by experienced parents, psychologists and researchers. What my son did and how we resolved it positively was the real deal...theory applied in real life. So I want to share this experience as a testament that there are better ways to handle a tantrum than to meet it head on, especially when dealing with a headstrong tot like my son.