We were all very excited this morning getting ready for malling. Papa Sez has to meet a client somewhere in Pasig and we agreed that I bring the kids to SM Mega Mall while he’s in a meeting. We’ll buy a few stuff, dine-out and perhaps see the art gallery. The kids started to choose their clothes and I started to ready the baby bag, packing clothes, milk and diaper for the little ones when all of a sudden a commotion erupted.
Our eldest Rica halted Zeki who was trying to pull his towel that was being stepped on by Nadine to prevent the latter from losing her balance. I later found out that the three-year old Zeki was teasing the two-year old Nadine, so the latter was trying to get back at his older brother by stepping on his towel. This scene is normal for a family with four growing kids... and we even thought that it’s cute.
When Zeki saw his shirt that I’m about to put in the baby bag, he protested with a loud voice that he doesn’t like to bring an extra shirt because he is a big boy already and only babies bring extra clothes. I just told him to lower his voice and explained that the shirt is necessary for accidental mess that may happen even to adults. Zeki then loudly insisted that he takes his bath together with his older brother Leon, which I immediately acceded to.
Everything was going well until we heard Leon complain about Zeki wanting the tabo or water dipper only for himself. Oh dear, it's Zeki again…and this is not cute anymore! When he was done putting on his clothes, he yelled his complaint that we were taking so long to leave. We asked him again to lower his voice and told him that if he cannot control himself from shouting and causing trouble, we will cancel the family malling. Probably because of this threat, he started yelling and crying to pressure me to give a commitment to bring him to the mall in complete disregard of his behavior. It went further downhill from there on with everyone, including the nanny, already being bullied into submission to his whims.
Though it was very tempting, Papa Sez and I tried so hard to avoid punishing Zeki. We understand that this is just another tantrum episode and it’s a good thing we are still at home. But still we need to show him (and Nadine as well as she now likes to copy whatever Zeki does) that we say what we mean and mean what we say and his misconduct will not be rewarded.
The family event was cancelled and this brought Rica to tears. She is a very cooperative child and yet she was also penalized. We explained that this has to happen to teach her brother a lesson and she should fret no more because it will definitely push through in some other time. A little delay for discipline’s sake would not hurt and that it'll be better next time. It was also pointed out that being part of a group, there are things beyond our control. Her brother’s behavior and the consequence of that behavior is beyond her control. But because she is in control of her response to the situation, she can choose to cheer herself up and decide on alternative activities for the rest of the day.
As I write this blog while waiting for my husband's return, Rica was busy writing a story, Leon was reading a magazine, Zeki was playing with his blocks together with a playmate, and Nadine was chatting with our neighbors. Child temper tantrum spoiled our supposed to be fun day at the mall, a small price to pay for discipline. Anyway, we managed to have fun time at the comfort of our home with everyone wishing that our cancelled malling will happen soon and things will be better next time.
I see that his tantrums occur when he gets too frustrated not getting what he wants, when he is too sleepy or tired (and he doesn't want to sleep) and when he is sick…times when he needs more attention. I usually handle his tantrums by trying to keep cool for a moment (not to react), talk to him about the issue, find him something else to do, make him sleep or rest, or attend to his medical needs, but not to give in to what he wants. But it is not as simple as it may seem because I also feel frustrated if he doesn’t comply at once. Sometimes I feel my voice quivering as I talk to him because I’m on the verge of crying. His personality is overpowering that I get so scared at times, but I know I need to hide the fear. There were occasions when I spanked him on his butt with my bear hands to make him stop crying and screaming. The spanking brings the tantrum to a halt but I feel so regretful deep inside having hurt him, especially when he hugs me tight and say “Sorry, Mommy!”
This time, I stopped what I was doing, went downstairs to the living room, and carried him away from the TV with much resistance from him, of course. He continued screaming but I stayed calm. I asked him to just resume eating the banana he was holding and as expected the idea was rejected. Guessing that he wouldn’t insist on watching TV if I give him the attention he needs, I told him that I will make myself available for him if he will stop crying…that we can start by sharing a snack because I was hungry, then we will do what he wants except watch TV because he is done with it. He didn’t say yes but he immediately stopped crying, finished the banana he was holding and eagerly waited for me to finish preparing our sandwich. He even suggested that we take our snacks in the west patio of the house. However, it was drizzling so we opted to proceed to the bedroom.
After our snacks, we played "dropping dead", taking turns falling down on a pile of pillows on the bed, a game that he "invented". Then we lazily lied down and enjoyed the cool feel of the sheets on our skin while we sang “I Have Two Hands” around five times, I think. In such a short period he shifted his mood from grouchy to happy. He left me in the room with a smile (and without saying anything), went downstairs and played with his baby sister. What a relief and what a beautiful feeling to make a tantrum episode pass by without me having a tantrum myself. I was even cheerful throughout.
My research on discipline, corporal punishment and positive parenting had to wait as I responded to the upheaval made by my son. It was an opportunity to apply what was written by experienced parents, psychologists and researchers. What my son did and how we resolved it positively was the real deal...theory applied in real life. So I want to share this experience as a testament that there are better ways to handle a tantrum than to meet it head on, especially when dealing with a headstrong tot like my son.
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