Note: This is the fifth and final article in the series on Discipline Methods posted every Friday and introduced in Discipline and Parenting Style.  If you missed the previous articles, please read them first- Discipline Methods: Communication and Role Modeling, Discipline Methods: Merits and Demerits,Discipline Methods: Time-Out and Reverse Time-Out, and Discipline Methods: Prevention and Tolerance. 

Spanking used to be the norm in child discipline but these days, to spank or not to spank the child for misbehavior, has become debatable. It is a sensitive issue because an increasing number of parents and child psychologists do not approve of spanking as an acceptable discipline method, while others still argue that removing the fear of physical punishment results to uncontrollable youths.

It is true that there are lots of other non-violent discipline methods that parents can use but there are parents and child psychologists that still believe that spanking when given with fairness, love and care is an effective discipline technique.

It is dreadfully unfortunate that many children are abused under the guise of spanking to discipline them.

Recognizing this fact and acknowledging that spanking, when used in a non abusive manner, is still an effective method, this article discusses ways to effectively implement and prevent abuse when parents had to resort to spanking as method of child discipline.

Save in Your Child’s Love Bank. Imagine saving love and positive emotions in your child's virtual love bank. The more you show you care, give positive emotions or make the child feel loved and important, the more love savings you deposit and accumulate in that virtual bank. But every time you spank him or her, no matter how well-meaning, love is withdrawn.

Be sure to always show your love and affection so you have enough reserves or savings when you have to withdraw such as when you need to discipline the child. When you spank a child, always follow up with explanations and make it clear that the spanking was done for his benefits and for the love of him such that the hurt will be lessened and may even be transformed to love to refill the love bank.

Decide which behaviors deserve a spanking. Parents should set reasonable behavioral standards for their children.  They should know age-appropriate behaviors such that true misbehaviors can be identified and gross misbehavior that deserve spanking can be singled out. Most parents would agree that lying, disrespect and open defiance are grave misconducts that should be dealt with seriously.

Be fair to your child and do not accuse him or her of misbehaving when what he or she did is a normal childhood behavior and do not spank for minor offenses. Bed-wetting, messy-eating, toy-breaking, wall-writing are examples of child behavior that require action but not spanking. Don’t let them stray too far from the behavioral standard you have set for them, but allow them to act their age as well...be it as toddlers, preschool, school-age, tweens or teens.

Be in control. Never ever spank a child when you are angry. Deal with the situation by letting yourself cool off first, think about the situation then decide what to do next. This is like implementing the reverse time-out such that if you still think that spanking is necessary, your emotions are already in control.

If you spank with heated anger, chances are you will hurt your child more than you intended to. Spank the child in his clothed bottom using your bare hands and not with other implements or objects. This will ensure you don’t hurt the child more than the pain your open palm can tolerate.

Give One Warning. Giving your child one warning for an offense that deserves spanking gives him a chance to realize that he has done or is doing something wrong.  If it was not clear at the beginning, this is an opportunity to correct the grave mistake and redeem himself from the shaky situation.

The child must believe that you only give one warning and not three or four, such that he only has one chance and will therefore take it seriously. This strategy will lessen the frequency of spanking. Remember that when spanking is done too often, it becomes less effective and is just plain mean. By being consistent with one warning policy, you give your child a fair chance, gain his respect and set clear boundaries that your child will seek not to cross.

Keep the Child Focused. When spanking has to be done, bring the child to a neutral place where nobody can see him. You must not embarrass the child in front of his siblings and other people. Aside from giving him respect, you avoid distractions that will hinder your child’s complete understanding of the situation. His or her full attention is necessary when you discuss what happened and explain again why the punishment has to be done.  Otherwise, he might focus on the embarrassment, feel bitter and angry at your careless intrusion rather than focus on his offense that needs to be corrected. 

Remember that in all discipline methods and especially in the case of spanking, communication with your child and being a good role model (credibility) are very important for these methods to be effective and are also necessary to preserve the love and respect in the relationship.

If you like this article, please consider sharing it with your friends. You can conveniently share via email, twitter, etc. using the share buttons below. Thanks.

photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/emeryjl/ / CC BY 2.0

Note: This is the fourth in a series of articles on Discipline Methods introduced in Discipline and Parenting Style.  If you missed the previous articles, please read them first- Discipline Methods: Communication and Role Modeling, Discipline Methods: Merits and Demerits and Discipline Methods: Time-Out and Reverse Time-Out.  This series on discipline is published every Friday, except for this one whose publication we postponed for a day to give way to Papa Sez's post on unethical campaign ads.  Please check back regularly or subscribe via email or follow us at Twitter or Facebook (buttons are at the bottom right corner).

Prevention

It is always easier to prevent misbehavior from happening rather than dealing with it afterwards following the adage “An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.”

In fact there are more preventive strategies that parents can use than corrective measures for misbehaviors.

Completely preventing misbehavior is impossible to expect but the following proactive strategies will significantly reduce its occurrence.

Know the Possible Reasons for Misbehavior. If you have an idea of why and how misbehavior happens, chances are you would know what actions to take to prevent it from occurring.

Here are some possible reasons for misbehavior:

• They want to test the strength of rule enforcement.
• They do not understand the rules, or are held to expectations that are beyond their current developmental phase.
• They lack accurate information and prior experience.
• They feel ill, tired, bored, hungry or sleepy.
• They seek attention and have been previously "rewarded" with it for their misbehavior.
• They want to assert themselves and their independence.
• The get influenced by friends.
• They copy the actions of their parents.
• They either get too busy or excited and forget about the rules.

Know Your Child through Constant Communication and Bonding. Build and strengthen the connection between you and your child through constant communication and bonding moments. Engage in activities you both enjoy and talk about any topic of interest. Knowing your child minimizes conflicts because both parties would know each other’s expectations.

Create a Positive Home. When parents consistently laugh with their children, share lots of positive and appropriate physical interactions and talk to them in pleasant, supportive and nonjudgmental ways, positive behavior is promoted in children and inappropriate behavior is lessened. In a positive home, children are showered with attention securing their emotions such that attention-seeking behaviors are minimized.

Set Clear, Consistent and Reasonable Rules. The child should clearly understand the rule and the reason for its enforcement should sound logical to him. Moreover, when the rule is consistently impressed on the child, you become predictable, the consequence of disobedience becomes clear (not confusing) and the rule becomes rock solid for the child to challenge.

Be sure to get the child’s undivided attention when you spell out a rule so that the child hears or understands it for certain. You may need to call his name, pat his shoulder or make him face you. Tips on how to effectively communicate rules are given in Communication and Role Modeling segment of this series.

Keep the child busy, free and safe. There are many measures we can take to prevent misbehavior. For infants, toddlers and preschoolers, most strategies point to keeping the child busy and allowing for free but safe exploration.

Childproofing your home allows freedom and safety to your child who has a tremendous urge to explore. Remove breakables, valuables and dangerous objects from the child’s reach. This will free you from constant “no-no’s” and will thwart away miserable situations wherein the child is put to lots of temptations but is left frustrated.

Provide interesting play things that will catch his attention for longer periods. It could either be intellectually stimulating, skills enhancing or physically challenging but it is important for it to be entertaining as well. Successfully engaging a child in serious work or play destroys boredom and closes the avenue for misbehavior.

Be Aware and Considerate of the Child’s Current Physical, Emotional and Psychological Condition. A sick, hungry, tired, bored or sleepy child is more irritable than usual. Take actions before these conditions lead to misbehavior. Giving advanced warning and gradual transition also helps in preventing misbehavior especially in younger kids. If you need to cut their playing time, advice them 10 to 15 minutes ahead to give them chance to let go and shift to another activity.

Watch Out for Attention-Seeking Behaviors. As discussed in Merits and Demerits, attention-seeking behaviors should be ignored and not rewarded to keep the child from repeating them. Shower them with enough attention to make them feel secure. If you have to do something else that requires pulling your attention away from your child, think of engaging activities that the child can do to keep him occupied.

Be a Good Role Model. Be a good role model to your child as explained in Communications and Role Modeling segment of this Discipline Series. Strengthen their ethical standards such that they cannot be easily influenced to follow bad behaviors by friends and would know how to effectively handle peer pressure.

Be Gentle and Caring. Gentle reminders with a smile on your face work wonders in preventing misbehavior especially when dealing with a headstrong and rebellious personality. In your parenting journey, you may find situations wherein a good sense of humor will work better than a combative attitude. Children respond positively to a cheerful ‘law enforcer’ than to somebody angry or threatening. Probably because they don’t feel chained or locked like a prisoner but consider themselves independent persons who choose to cooperate.

Redirect or Distract the Child’s Attention. When a child is about to misbehave, redirecting his attention to something else prevents him from behaving inappropriately. This is another reason to be vigilant about what your child is doing.

Recognize True Misbehavior. By knowing your child and his needs and capabilities at every stage of his development, you will have a better idea of what should be a reasonable expectation. Conflict often arises when we expect them to think and behave like adults.


Tolerance

After all your efforts to prevent misbehavior, you may find yourself having to deal with one or two...or several instances of misbehavior. If the misbehavior is recognized as true, then the parent can decide what actions to take. Some parents may opt to spank depending on the extent of misbehavior and/or the child's age. Others will choose non-castigatory ways of dealing with misbehavior (for ideas, please read Merits and Demerits and Time-Out and Reverse Time-Out). There will be parents who may totally ignore the misbehavior.

They are the harmonious parents of young children (=democratic parents of adolescents) who are warm and loving but are more willing to tolerate a certain degree of defiance in favor of avoiding parent-child conflict, thereby maintaining harmonious family relationships. Based on a significant research finding, harmonious parents who know when to appropriately set limits and when it is not are said to be better parents than the warm, loving but controlling authoritative parents who always set firm limits. Moreover, the moderate degree of control of harmonious parents allows expression of feelings in children making them more socially competent.

To illustrate further: There are child behaviors you do not like and cannot live with such that it cannot be ignored. For most parents these are violent aggressive behavior and disrespect. On the other hand, there are many child behaviors you do not like but can live with such that certain degree of tolerance can be practiced though not to the point of becoming permissive. The challenge is for the parents to identify actual problem behavior whether there really is a problem or none at all.

If you like this article, please consider sharing it with your friends. You can conveniently share via email, twitter, etc. using the share buttons below. Thanks.
 

Note: This is the third in a series of articles on Discipline Methods introduced in Discipline and Parenting Style.  If you missed the first two, I recommend that you read them first- Discipline Methods: Communication and Role Modeling and Discipline Methods: Merits and Demerits. This series on discipline is published every Friday so please check back regularly or subscribe via email or follow us at Twitter or Facebook (buttons are at the bottom right corner as well).
 
This segment of the Discipline Method series is beneficial to both parent and child. Time-out is for a child who is having a difficult time controlling his emotions and behaviors. It is not a punishment but a special time and opportunity to calm oneself, think and regain self control. There are many ways to effectively implement time-outs:

Time-Out or Think-About-It Chair: For toddlers and preschoolers, requiring them to sit in a time-out chair when they disobey instruction, hurt someone, too loud and argumentative, annoy a visitor or for any misbehavior, effectively calms them down and makes them realize that the behavior is unpleasant. If you don’t want to use the term time-out, you can just ask the child to think about what happened and give him time to be alone and reflect. Be sure to discuss the issue with your child when the time is up. You can start implementing time-out time at 1 minute per age. Other children would require longer than this so make the necessary adjustment.

Room Time-Out: The principle is the same as above but this time, the child is required to stay in his or her room. Giving a person time to be alone and chance to reflect in the privacy of his room, calms the emotions down. This is then the time he can come out of the room. The required isolation will also make him realize that the behavior was undesirable and something should be done to correct it. Again, discuss the issue after the time-out. This is applicable to all ages if the child is not violent enough to hurt himself when left alone.

Situation Time-Out: Taking time away from a bad situation calms the child and prevents worse misbehavior. When a child gets mad because a sibling or a playmate broke his toy or crumpled his artwork and would not listen to words, then it is better to pull him out of the situation to prevent him from getting back at and hurting the offender. You can take him for a walk or make him listen to good music to bring his composure back. Give him another activity to work on or read a book with him. Explain the importance of emotion control despite being offended when he is ready to listen.

Peace Corner: Designate a corner in your house where the child can associate peace and tranquility. Peace corners are preferably decorated with plants and flowing water. Put the child in that corner when he is angry to help him re-center himself. Fighting siblings can also reconcile in this corner. Be sure to discuss the issues when emotions are relaxed. Having a peace corner is also beneficial to adults.

Reverse time-out is for parents who feel their emotions are getting out of control. If you are too angry, it is better to ask for a few minutes alone to calm yourself down. Hide in your bedroom or bathroom, freshen up and take a few breathing exercises. Come out when you have a better mood to engage in conversations and ready to deal with your child’s misbehavior rationally. Never deal with a child’s misbehavior when you are in a fighting mode. You might inflict unnecessary pain, physical or emotional, to your child that you will regret later. Reverse time-out is also effective in ignoring attention-seeking behaviors of your child. When the child notices that he is not getting any attention because his mother is currently indisposed, he’ll eventually calm down.

NEXT: Discipline Methods: Prevention and Tolerance

If you like this article, please consider sharing it with your friends. You can conveniently share via email, twitter, etc. using the share buttons below. Thanks.
 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/rashidasimmons/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

Note: This is the second in a series of articles on Discipline Methods introduced in Discipline and Parenting Style.  If you missed the first one, I recommend that you read it first- Discipline Methods: Communication and Role Modeling. This series on discipline will be published every Friday so please check back regularly or subscribe via email or follow us at Twitter or Facebook (buttons are at the bottom right corner as well).

Merit system focuses on positive behavior and preventive measures rather than punitive actions to improve discipline, while demerit system emphasizes consequences and accountability. Merit and demerit system is commonly applied in schools but can also be implemented at home. This article simply sums up discipline methods that provide acknowledgment and reward for good behavior and effective consequences for misbehavior. These are in agreement with the four principles of how behavior develops. It is said that behavior is strengthened or weakened by its consequences. For sure, you would want to strengthen a good behavior and the best way to achieve it is by rendering positive consequences such as the following:

• a hug 
• a kiss 
• a pat on the back 
• a word of encouragement and praise 
• a smile 
• a wink 
• a thumbs up sign 
• a token in a jar 
• a plus point on a merit/demerit chart 
• other small tokens of appreciation related to the good behavior exhibited.

Better catch them being good and never miss a chance to recognize the said behavior. Just make sure to give genuine and age appropriate positive consequences. This is also referred to as positive reinforcement. When the doer receives the positive consequences of his/her good behavior then the behavior is reinforced. The tendency is for the child to consistently do it to take advantage of the benefits.

Creating a positive home wherein parents consistently laugh with their children, share lots of positive and appropriate physical interactions and talk to them in pleasant, supportive and nonjudgmental ways, not just promote positive behavior in children but lessen the incidence of inappropriate behavior as well.

To weaken bad or inappropriate behavior and eventually prevent it from occurring again, the doer should face the negative consequence. It is like letting experience be the best teacher. Giving effective consequence to misbehavior is where more parents fail. A negative consequence will only be effective if it prevents the bad behavior from getting repeated over and over. When the behavior gets weaker or stops from reoccurring it is only then that the behavior is punished. It should be clear that the intention is for the child to face the negative consequence of misbehavior and in the process punish the misbehavior (not the child) by weakening it or stopping it from happening again.

There are three kinds of negative consequences for misbehavior:

1. Natural- as the name implies occur naturally. If a child doesn’t like to eat during regular mealtimes, don’t force feed; let nature run its course. The child will get hungry eventually. Make the hunger be felt for a little while as you explain the natural consequence of bad eating habits before you offer him food, to make room for learning.
2. Logical- rules or amends that you agreed with your child. If a child cannot control himself in the grocery store and behaves inappropriately, keeps on disarranging displays and/or putting stuff in the cart without your permission or keeps running around despite your several attempts to control his misbehavior then it is but logical not to allow the child to go to the grocery store anymore until both parties arrived at a new agreement.
3. Social- the ill feeling of tarnishing relationships teaches conflict management. If a child hurts a playmate or execute deliberate annoyance like knocking over others’ block tower or throwing away puzzle pieces, then that child should know that nobody else would play with a person that behaves that way and no parent would allow his/her child to get close to a misbehaving fellow.

An important point worth noting is about the child’s desire for parental attention. If a child misbehaves to get your attention then learn to ignore attention-getting behaviors and let the child face the negative consequence. Giving him the attention he wants when he misbehaves, rewards the misbehavior and reinforces it. More attention should be given when good behavior is done rather than waiting for misbehavior to happen before giving the attention that the child needs.

Parents should have realistic expectations on their children and should not allow fatal consequences to occur. Ensure a safe, engaging and positive learning environment for the children, take care of yourself and be an effective role model. Try to maintain the child’s respect and maintain the credibility of being the most reputable person to award the merits and demerits of their behavior.


NEXT: Discipline Methods: Time-Out and Reverse Time-Out
 
If you like this article, please consider sharing it with your friends. You can conveniently share via email, twitter, etc. using the buttons below. Thanks.
 

photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/ajawin/ / CC BY 2.0

Note: This is the first in a series of articles on Discipline Methods introduced last Friday in Discipline and Parenting Style. This series on discipline will be published every Friday so please check back regularly or subscribe via email or follow us at Twitter or Facebook (buttons are at the bottom right corner as well).

Communication is a process of transferring information from one person to another. It is a way to impart or interchange thoughts, opinions or information by verbal/auditory and non-verbal means. Communication could be one-way (unidirectional) but in human relationships, including that of a parent and child, two-way communication has always been proven better.

In child discipline, communication is key to success. Regardless of the discipline method you are employing, the manner in which you communicate with your child will most likely determine your success. Here are some important points:

1. Child age appropriateness: The manner you communicate should be appropriate to the child’s age. When the reasoning skills of a child are not yet well developed, you cannot expect a child to always meet your expectations by giving direct instructions. In this case, positive reinforcement yields better results. Remember that at this stage of the child’s development, he is only taking cues on how you respond to his every behavior and not because you say so. Focus on what the child is doing right, offer more attention and encouragement whenever the child is doing something you want him to repeat over and over, and that is what you’ll get. Again, you do not communicate to your child at this stage by giving direct instructions; rather you reinforce good behavior by responding positively whenever he has done something right. An applause, a smile, kiss, hug or any expression of appreciation and love is a better way of communicating what you want him to do.
   
   When a child turns 18 months to 2 years until he reaches 6 years of age, verbal instructions with explanations may start to become effective because at this stage, he can now process more information. As the child’s verbal abilities improve, you can explain more things to him.
2. The two-way traffic: Whenever you give direct instructions, offer explanations, be clear, precise and firm but don’t forget to listen. Set the boundaries and limitations, and define your standards up front. Firmly state your reasonable expectations from him but explain why by stating the advantages of doing it and the consequences of not doing it. A child deserves explanation as much as parents do. Then practice good listening skills. Take time to listen what the child has to say and wait for his affirmation that he understands your point. Be amaze at how cooperative a child can be if he knows that his thoughts and opinion matter.
   
   A healthy two-way communication between a parent and a child preserves the respect in each other and lessens the likelihood of putting each other in a demeaning situation.
3. Being consistent: Teaching appropriate behavior would require several repetitions before it is learned. Being consistent with the behavioral standards and limitations you communicate to your child establishes your credibility that you know what you are talking about and that you are serious in imposing them. Being consistent would avoid confusion as well.
   
   Children without boundaries feel insecure and unsure where they stand, but when there are boundaries they tend to test the strength of those boundaries and the consequences of going beyond the limits. A constant reminder should be given to the child consistent with the set behavioral standards and limitations such that the same message is conveyed from the 1st to the nth time you say it, unless a revision in the standard is deemed necessary. If a child defiantly breaks the boundary in spite of your best effort to properly and consistently communicate behavioral standards and limitations, make sure you are ready to apply other appropriate discipline method to bring him back to where he should stand.
4. The truth and nothing but the truth: Whether you are dealing with a young child or an older kid, tell him straight facts. Do not try to invent stories or characters to make a child follow the rules. You will be risking the loss of child’s trust in you in the event that he discovers the truth. If the child is smart enough, he can immediately tell if you are just making it up and you will definitely appear silly. For instance, never tell a child “to sleep early so Dracula won’t get him”. Telling him directly the health benefits of good rest and sleep to a growing child will be better appreciated. Then help him by implementing ways of promoting good sleeping habits in children.
5. Say what you mean and mean what you say: When giving consequences to misbehavior, make sure these are doable and have it done if the situation calls for it. For example, you want your child to finish his homework before he can watch television. Fine, but what will happen if he doesn’t obey? You can come up with various consequences for misbehavior, like disobedience would result in him not allowed to watching television for one whole week. Tell this to him directly and make sure that the whole week NO TV punishment is implemented in case he disobeys. Never say “I’ll crush the TV on your head if I see you watching before the homework in done!” You can never do that to your child and your child knows that so the communication becomes ineffective if done in this manner.

Role modeling is a discipline method, but may also be regarded as a form of communication. You communicate to a child what he should do by setting yourself as an example. The child, especially in the formative years of his life mimics his parents or other older figures at home, in school and the community. This behavior should be capitalized most especially by parents and teachers by acting appropriately such that the child learns appropriate behavior.

Role modeling is an effective means of child discipline but requires a lot of discipline to the role model himself. Start by asking yourself this question, “Being a role model, am I self disciplined?” Dr. Robyn Silverman posed more questions to guide role models. Be a positive role model and follow the seven ways to make a positive impact on children enumerated by Dr. Robyn Silverman. Read them using this link and judge for yourself if it makes sense to you. Make yourself worthy of a child’s admiration…be his mentor…and start with yourself.

NEXT: Discipline Methods: Merits and Demerits
 
If you like this article, please consider sharing it with your friends. You can do it by email, twitter, etc. and using the button below. Thanks.



UPDATE: The next discipline methods article is already posted-- Discipline Methods: Merits and Demerits